How to tame your perfectionism and make progress on your goals
Some of the details are fuzzy but the feelings of fear and intimidation remain crystal clear.
I remember fourth grade as a pivotal year because it was the only time I enrolled in private music lessons as a child. My father strongly encouraged me to take accordion lessons. I had no choice, really, as he had found a local instructor with good rates, and was excited that his youngest daughter could realize a dream of his own.
It didn’t matter that I wanted to play the flute and sing; or that my tiny, twig-like arms could barely hold the accordion upright. He was sure I would become a virtuoso in no time. Little did he know those lessons would damage my confidence and keep me from pursuing music for many years.
I remember my first day. Apprehension circled in my stomach like a swarm of bees. I stumbled over my own feet, struggling to maneuver the large instrument while simultaneously opening the glass door to step inside. A balding, slightly overweight, middle-aged man with glasses met me at the front door. He looked me up and down with distaste as he pointed to the ground - his way of telling me to put the accordion down.
He asked curtly, “What is your name?”
“Karen” I answered meekly.
“Follow me.”
I shadowed him in silence down a long hall to the back of the studio. We entered a small, dark, musty room lined with instruments. I stood awkwardly just inside the door, waiting for instructions. No small talk or smiles from this teacher, only a scowl and a bark, telling me to open my accordion case. My sweaty, shaking hands fumbled with the accordion strap, hoisting it awkwardly over my shoulder after much struggle. He sneered at me over his wire frames.
“I see this is your first time putting it on,” his voice dripped with sarcasm.
He moved quickly through the material, making it difficult to keep up, taking momentary pauses to look me directly in the eye, shaking his head and turning away to mumble something, evidently disappointed with my efforts.
The lessons never did get any better. Only worse. I blocked out most of the details, but what I do remember was the feeling that somehow I was a disappointment to him. He was a crabby, angry man who I could never please.
I remember him calling me “stupid” and I remember crying after most lessons. Within a few months my dad finally agreed to take me out, but the damage was done. He had squashed my already delicate psyche.
I share this story because I know I’m not alone.
I believe this incident marked the beginning of a paradigm that held me captive far too long. To me, mistakes were the worst, because deep down they made me feel worthless.
And it wasn’t only because of my 4th grade music teacher. I learned early on that I had to earn approval and acceptance. It wasn’t freely given.
In order to enjoy the favor of my parents, teachers, siblings, and even some friends I had to perform. Obey the rules. Do the right things. Be agreeable.
In their defense, I don’t believe all of them consciously tried to send that message. It was merely a function of our achievement-driven society and a way for them to keep control.
Unfortunately, this message wasn’t mixed with enough examples of grace during my childhood to counteract its negative effects, which resulted in a long, hard struggle.
Maybe you can relate.
Do you ever feel unworthy of love and acceptance?
Like what you do or have done is never enough?
Do you feel like people will like you only if you are “successful” and have it all together?
A commitment to excellence is honorable, of course, and competition in the marketplace is what drives results.
But there is a dark side to our performance-driven culture that is important to keep in check. Especially as we step into a creative lifestyle, working towards BIG goals that often feel overwhelming.
It’s called perfectionism.
Much more than a desire to do your very best, it’s an obsession with doing things just right. In other words, being “perfect.”
I think most of us realize on a conscious level that perfection is unattainable, but for those who struggle they just can’t seem to shake the idea that they must do more and be more in order to be accepted.
In order to be good enough.
Mistakes to perfectionists can be devastating.
Certain people may thrive in a performance-driven atmosphere. The challenge to achieve actually kick-starts their competitive nature and brings results that make them proud.
For me, however – and perhaps for you too – this type of environment breeds unhealthy tendencies that cause undue stress.
At some point, it can have the reverse effect, compromising our ability to cope and perform. I learned this firsthand when my perfectionist tendencies threw me head first into a nasty bout of anxiety.
Bonus: Get a handle on your perfectionism with the help of this mindset journal.
In reality, perfectionism has nothing to do with an attitude of excellence. It’s a fear of making a mistake. It’s a refusal to let yourself move ahead.
And boy is it a vicious cycle!
One where our obsessive tendencies to get it right keep us stuck spinning our wheels in the details of whatever we’re working on, whether that be a book, painting, or a business plan. It doesn’t matter the project, that nasty monster keeps us stuck in critic mode stripping our creative work of any originality, spontaneity, and passion.
It’s all so exhausting, and it is one of the biggest killers to our wellbeing AND to our creative dreams.
As someone who struggled for years and is still in process (I call myself a recovering perfectionist ;-) but has made good progress, I can say the first step towards recovery is being aware of your tendencies then taking intentional and consistent small steps to eradicate it from your life.
One critical piece of that is choosing to take risks.
Start by asking yourself: what would I do if I didn’t have to do it perfectly?
Then go and do that thing.
To realize our dreams we must be willing to take risks and move out of our head and into action.
We have to jump in even when we don’t see any guarantee of success.
That’s what living a creatively inspired life is all about and it’s actually quite good for your mind, body and spirit.
If you take a risk and fail, that's ok. The world will go on. You will get over it.
I have found that sometimes risks are worth taking just for the sake of taking them. Challenging ourselves and stepping out into new dimensions cultivates a healthy life and fuels us to step out and do other things we think we couldn’t.
This happened to me in 2010 when I first got the vision for my novel and my business. It was also the year I took up running and it ended up being one of the most exciting, fulfilling years of my life.
Because I was stepping outside my comfort zone physically on a regular basis, it naturally gave me the courage and capacity to step out in other areas too.
The point being: we don’t live a compartmental life. What we do physically affects our mental health; what we focus on mentally affects our physical health, and our spiritual health is the foundation to it all!
So, I encourage you to embrace risk. To step outside your comfort zone. To keep your perfectionist tendencies in check by choosing to do things knowing you will make mistakes but embracing it anyway.
This is what will get you to the next right step in your life and move you closer to your dreams.
Here are some helpful resources as you continue to take the journey:
💫 Download your FREE Supercharged Goal Setting Guide. If you’re having trouble choosing and making progress on goals that matter, download this 14 page workbook - it will help you get unstuck and on the right track!
💫 If you struggle with perfectionism or other toxic mindsets, this DAILY MINDSET JOURNAL will help you overcome it! You’ll get immediate access to a 6-step science-based technique that you can use over and over again to rise above the mental chatter, take control of your thoughts, and improve your mindset for life.
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Hello! I’m Karen Ferguson, author, content creator, and the owner of Illuminate Communications, LLC.
I’m all about illuminating God’s Truth and His love through the power of words.
It’s my mission to inspire, encourage, and equip you on your faith-journey by providing books, tools, and resources that will help you grow in your relationship with Jesus, and thrive in mind, body, and spirit.
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